Chasm
by RaeCullen
Summary: Edward becomes paralyzed after a motorcycle accident. He immediately begins pushing everyone away, including his gf Bella. Will he let her back in or tear their relationship apart? "Sing something new, I have nothing left. I can't face the dark w/o you."
1. Chapter 1

So here I am, with yet another fic. I hope you guys will like this one. It's different for me. Not gonna lie, it's gonna be angsty. So hold on tight folks, you're in for a ride.

After much bugging, prodding and encouraging from **Silver Sniper**, I'm releasing this to the world after about six months of rolling the idea around in my head and (very) slowly working on it. I figured it only be fitting to release it on her birthday since she's the entire reason why I'm posting this in the first place. So, **HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIS**. I love you more than life.

Thank you to my beta's BellaMadonna and LittleClareStar for the wonderful job they do! My writing just wouldn't be the same without them.

Thank you to my prereaders: Laura, Izzy, Maria and Silver. You all are awesome! I couldn't do it w/o your input!

I'm going to be doing a lot of flashbacks with this. They will be in italics and a /~F~\ will come before and after it.

Disclaimer: Twilight – I don't own it.

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**Chasm:** (1) A deep, steep-sided opening in the earth's surface; an abyss or gorge. (2) A sudden interruption of continuity; a gap. (3) A pronounced difference of opinion, interests, or loyalty.

* * *

Never the wiser of what I've become  
Alone I stand a broken man

Breaking Benjamin – Without You

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Chapter 1

_This is not fucking happening. He has to be fucking with me. This is just some kind of sick and demented joke._

I threw my head back against the pillow, squeezing my eyes tightly closed. If I refused to look at him, that meant he wasn't really there, which meant this wasn't really happening.

My hands gripped the sheet that lay loosely wrapped around my lower body. I was ignoring the pain that was shooting through my left hand as my fingers dug into the stiff uncomfortable fabric, slowly ripping at the fibers.

I tried to run my fingers through my hair, but a sharp pain shot through my arm and into my shoulder. I gritted my teeth and tried not scream out in pain. Fuck. I keep forgetting about my goddamn dislocated shoulder and the two cracked ribs. I brought my left arm up to tug at my hair, the greasy strands tangling through my fingers. I hadn't had a decent clean-up since long before the accident. I didn't fucking care though. Who was I trying to impress? No one.

I dragged my fingers down the side of my face, feeling the bandages that covered my cheek bones, wrapping underneath my jaw and down my neck. I hadn't looked in the mirror. I didn't want to. I wasn't particularly vain, but I didn't want to see the destruction and scars that would mar my face.

I slowly opened my eyes to see Carlisle standing at the foot of the bed, his eyes filled with so much emotion – mostly sympathy. I did not need his fucking sympathy.

"Don't fucking look at me like that," I barked, turning my head to the side so I could no longer see his eyes; deep blue eyes which were just oozing pity for me. I stared at the bland white wall, just willing this nightmare to end.

"Edward, I know this is difficult to hear but-"

"NO!" my harsh voice cut him off, "I don't want to fucking hear it! You don't know what the hell you're talking about." I knew I was screaming at him, but at the moment, I didn't give a flying fuck. I didn't even bother to look him in the eye. There would just be more pity waiting to greet me.

I knew I was in denial. The rational part of my brain knew that he was an excellent doctor. I just couldn't be rational anymore.

"Fuck," I spat, squeezing my eyes closed tight again as I tried to block out the sudden searing pain that was shooting through my skull like someone was taking a pick-ax to it. Obviously, the pain in my shoulder wasn't any better. "Can't you do anything about this fucking pain?" I ground out, and opened my eyes to glare at him.

Carlisle sighed; I watched him rubbing his hands over his face.

"Edward, you know I can't do that," he whispered more pity and concern in his eyes.

I let out a frustrated snarl. "I'm in pain, God damn it! So I'm supposed to just lie here and suffer?"

"You know exactly why we can't up the dosage on your pain medication," Carlisle responded calmly. He hardly seemed phased by my outbursts. "It's too risky."

I didn't waste my breath by responding. I turned my attention back to the plain white walls as the minutes ticked past, letting my anger fester just under the surface, an uncomfortable silence settling between us.

I heard Carlisle take a deep breath and move to sit in the chair adjacent to my bed.

"Edward," he whispered. I still didn't bother looking at him, but my unresponsiveness didn't seem to faze him. "You know that this is a wonderful hospital and all the doctor's are going to do everything they can. But, right now it's just a waiting game. You have to be prepared for the very real fact that you might never walk again."

I squeezed my eyes closed and clenched my jaw tightly together, ignoring the pain that shot through my head at the action, wishing I could block him out as he repeated the words I so desperately wanted to forget. This was not fucking happening to me. Hadn't I already been dealt a shitty enough hand in life? Now I had to be handed this crap too? If I was being honest with myself, I knew that this talk with him was coming. I, however, was not being honest with myself. I wanted nothing more then to go back in time to before the accident.

The memories raced through my pain-riddled brain, taking me to a different time and place. I had decided to just go for a quick ride on my Suzuki GSX-R1000. I had needed to clear my head and taking my bike out for a spin always seemed to do the trick. I loved the way being on my bike made me feel. The way my adrenaline spiked, the wind blowing through my hair. There was no other high better.

_And I would know._

Just a few days before my joy ride, I asked my girlfriend of four-years to marry me. I couldn't remember a time that I had ever been as happy as I'd been in that moment. But of course, God is a twisted motherfucker and had to ruin it for me.

Asking Bella to marry me was both the easiest and hardest thing I'd ever done. I knew she would say yes, so it wasn't the nerves that had gotten to me. It was the choice of the day on which I'd chosen to ask her to spend the rest of her life by my side.

Perhaps the anniversary of my parent's death wasn't the best choice I'd ever made in hindsight, but I wanted to change the memories of that day to something positive, so I wouldn't have to sulk around for the entire month, dreading the inevitable depression that would hit and debilitate me. I wanted to not dread the month, but rejoice and celebrate with something that made me happy.

Well, karma was a fucking bitch and apparently I wasn't allowed to feel happiness.

I laughed bitterly. How fucking ironic. It was like God was looking down at me and laughing. 'What's this? Edward Cullen's happy? Well we can't have that. Let's fuck him up some more.'

I was out on my ride, enjoying one of the few fleeting moments of sunshine in this gloomy-ass town, when my back wheel caught something on the road. Before I even realized it, my bike and I are skidding across the pavement headed straight for a fucking tree. Sharp points of light pierced my vision as my body reacted with shock to the trauma that shattered my lower half. The blinding torment eventually clouded over with black splotchy patches as the pain from being pinned to a huge ass tree by 400 pounds of steel dragged me into unconsciousness. When I woke up I was laying in the now much hated, god-awful, hospital bed.

The rage was building up inside me and I couldn't control it. I didn't even know who I was so angry with. Myself? The doctors? God? I'd never been a religious person, but I found myself believing, now more then ever, that there was no God. If there was, He wouldn't be putting me through even more bullshit.

Truth be told, I was pissed at myself. If I had just stayed at home with Bella, none of this would have happened, but no. I had to go out on my bike because it had been a rare sunny day in Forks. Bella had offered to go with me and I had considered it because I loved the feel of her holding onto me tightly as I controlled all that incredible power between our legs. But, I told her I wanted to go by myself, do some thinking. She had reluctantly agreed to let me go alone. I had a lot of thoughts in my head about mine and Bella's future, as well as the emotional burden that date always carried, and thought a good, hard drive would clear it.

Now I thank the stars above every day that Bella hadn't been on that bike with me when it rolled. I would never have been able to forgive myself if she had been the one to get hurt. The pain and rage I felt inside currently would have been nothing compared to how I would have been feeling if something had happened to Bella. She was my entire world. From the moment I met her I knew she'd have an irrevocable impact on my life.

I met Bella eight years ago, when I left for college and had just wanted to get the fuck out of Forks, where I grew up.

I grew up with my brothers, Emmett and Carlisle, and our parents. Emmett is just two years older then me, but Carlisle is eleven years older. I suppose I had been an "accident". Either way, while growing up, Emmett and I had been close, but I never knew Carlisle the same way.

It wasn't until our parents died when I was sixteen that I started to get to know him. For whatever reason, he had decided to take on the burden of raising two teenage boys at the age of 27. Just finishing up medical school, he decided to do his residency at the hospital in Port Angeles instead of beginning it in Seattle like he originally planned.

As usual, it had been a rainy evening in Forks. My parents and I had been on our way home from one of Emmett's football games, when something jumped out in the road, causing my father to jerk the wheel quickly. Because the roads were slick from the heavy downpour of the rain, the wheels hydroplaned, causing the car to swerve and crash into a row of trees the lined the long and deserted road.

I'd been the only one to survive.

My leg had broken in two different places, requiring me to ingest several different kinds of pain medication.

From the moment the first bit of medication seeped into my system, I basked in the glorious numbing feeling. Not only did the medication numb my physical pain, but my emotional and mental pain as well.

When I was on the meds, my body anesthetized, I didn't have to feel the anguish and uncontrollable guilt that the death of my parents had left in me. It wasn't until my leg began to heal and Carlisle began to wean me off of the meds that I realized how much trouble I was in.

I _needed_ those meds to survive. If I didn't have the all consuming numb, then how was I going to get through each day. I needed a way to float outside of myself, and those meds were the key.

It's amazing how fucking clueless Carlisle was back then. It'd been so easy to score every pain pill under the sun living in a house with a doctor. He kept bottles full of Vicodin, Percocet and Darvocet in the house. I have no idea what the fuck he was thinking.

The pills carried me through the remainder of my high school career, with Carlisle none the wiser to my full-blown addiction to the pills. He was so busy with his residency; I don't think he even realized how much I _wasn't_ dealing in a healthy way with the death of our parents.

I just think he was so damn busy that he didn't want to open his eyes and see that I wasn't healing or dealing with it…at all.

College opened a whole new avenue of access to hardcore pills. Not only did I have access to the usuals, but I was able to get my hands on Morphine and Oxycodone.

I was a complete mess.

It wasn't until I met my Hemera, goddess of daylight and sun, that I finally sought the help I needed. It was her light that guided me through some of my darkest days. I didn't deserve her compassion, her light or her love. I didn't then, and I didn't today..

Throughout my sophomore year which was her freshman year, we were practically inseparable. I remember the exact moment I loved her as more than a friend and I knew she deserved better than me.

/~F~\

_"Bella, you're so beautiful," I slurred. She rolled her eyes at me and continued to try and help me off the floor. I wanted to get up, I knew I did, but my body just felt so heavy and I was so tired. My body wasn't cooperating with the directions my brain was sending it. "Don't roll you eyes to me. You're fucking hot,"_

_"Edward, you're lit out of your mind."_

_"Doesn't mean I don't know when someone is fucking beautiful," I slurred out, my head leaning back against the wall, my eyes shutting on their own volition._

_"Jesus Christ, Edward, how much have you drunk?"_

_"This many," I said, holding up my hands, wriggling my fingers in the direction of her voice, my eyes still closed. I tried to open them so I could look at her beautiful face, but t was no use. I was so tired. "Pills too," I said after a few minutes._

_"Fuck, Edward I thought you weren't doing that shit anymore!" She screamed, and I flinched from the volume of her voice._

_"Too loud. Wasn't going to, but… but…. you don't want me," I mumbled, before blacking out._

_The sun shone through the blinds of my dorm, and I groaned as I rolled over and unexpectedly bumped into something that was hard, but also warm and conversely soft._

_"Good morning," the something warm and soft whispered and I slowly tried to pry one of my eyes open._

_Bella was laying in my bed, staring at me, her eyes full of concern_.

"_How are you?" she asked softly as she stared down at me._

"_I feel like death," I mumbled, throwing a pillow over my head and groaning._

"_I figured," she mumbled back, a hint of annoyance in her tone._

_I angled the pillow so I could peak out at her through one opened eye. She was looking down at her fingernails and picked at her cuticles in a nervous fashion._

"_I thought you said you weren't going to be doing drugs anymore," she whispered, not bothering to look at me. She knew perfectly well that I could hear her._

_Before I could even answer, she continued speaking. "I can't be with you Edward, not because I don't want to, but because I can't watch you kill yourself. I care about you. But I can't keep doing this," she whispered, bringing her hand up to wipe the tears that had begun to fall from her tender and yet angry brown eyes._

_I started to move, to comfort her in some way, but she was quicker than me. She jumped from the bed and grabbed her stuff up from off the floor before turning around to face me, nibbling on her lower lip. Her eyes were red and she had bags under her eyes. The damaged image broke my heart._

"_Good bye, Edward," she whispered before running out of the room._

_I knew then that I had severely fucked up. I vowed that I would fix it, and I would make myself good enough for Isabella Swan._

/~F~\

"Edward, did you hear me?" Carlisle asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. I just simply nodded. I didn't really need to hear what he had to say. I didn't fucking care. All I cared about was how I failed Bella…again.

"Bella is here, she wants to see you," he whispered. I cut my eyes over to him then moved them back to the wall. I couldn't bear the expression that was present on his face.

I had been refusing to see her. I'd been refusing to see everyone since I'd woken up and discovered I couldn't move my legs. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Speaking with Carlisle and the other doctors was bad enough. I couldn't see my family. The look of pity in their eyes was almost worse than the lack of feeling in my legs.

"You can't keep ignoring her, Edward. It's not fair to her. You don't know what you're putting her though. You haven't spoken to her in two weeks. She stays here day and night; just praying you'll let her come in. She loves you, Edward. Don't ruin the best thing you have in your life because you're a coward." With that last word, Carlisle turned and walked out of the room, leaving me to continue staring at the white wall and drown in the dangerously deep sea of my own thoughts.

I'm not sure how long I lay there, but eventually the pain running from my skull and down the side of my body through my shoulder and ribs was too much to bear and I passed out from pain and exhaustion.

After an undeterminable amount of time, I awoke to a gentle stroking on my hand and arm. Familiar tingles and sparks prickled my skin.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, blinking several times as the room began to come into focus.

I looked down at my lap to see a messy mop of brown hair. _Bella._

Her cheek rested against my thigh, her head cast downward slightly so she wasn't able to see that I had awoken. Her gaze seemed to be focused on our intertwined fingers as her thumb rubbed soft circles against the top of my hand, carefully avoiding the needles placed in the thick veins.

I swallowed thickly as unforeseen emotion rose up from my chest and settled deep in my throat.

"Bella," I rasped, and her head immediately shot up. She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as she began to shake with uncontrollable sobs.

Not that I was in any position to talk, but she looked like shit.

Her long hair was piled high on top of her head in a messy bun; random pieces fell around her face. Deep purple circles rested under eyes, the usual bright brown now a dull muddy color.

"Edward," she whimpered, somehow she was able to get out my name in between the gasps for air and hurtful sobs that racked her body.

I so badly wanted to reach out and touch her face. To wipe those tears that spilled from her eyes and hold her in my arms until all her pain melted away. But I couldn't. I didn't want to damage her any more than I already had.

"I love you" she whispered, her eyes locked with mine and the emotion in them was so strong that I had to look away.

All I could do was nod. How could she still love me? I was nothing but a cripple now. There was no way she would want to stick with me now. Surely she'd get sick of my dependency and just want to leave me. Fuck, I wouldn't want to be around me right now. I knew I was acting like a complete dick. The fact that I was treating her that way was killing me, but I couldn't control my actions. It was like I didn't have control over who I was any longer. Even more proof that I didn't deserve her.

_She should just leave_.

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A/N: Let me know what you all think of Paralyzedward and leave some love. ;)

I'm going to aim for updating weekly. We'll see how it goes. =)

Laura made me an awesome banner for this story! Link to it is on my profile!


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to my fantastic betas LittleClareStar and BellaMadonna. Also to my fabulous prereaders: IzzyHeartsRob, NoahEvansMom, SilverSniper and Maria2906. I couldn't do it w/o your input!

Disclaimer: While I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, I am taking some creative liberties with Edward's paralysis. Please keep this in mind while reading. If S. Meyer's can write a story about sparkly vamps who impregnate a human with a demon spawn – then I can take creative license with paralysis.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Twilight.

Thank you everyone who checked out the first chapter! I really appreciate it. =)

Now lets see how Bella is doing...

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Chapter 2

_I won't turn my back on you__  
__Take my hand drag me down__  
__If you fall then I will too_

- Breaking Benjamin – Without You

BPOV

I stared at our intertwined hands, my head resting against Edward's thigh, as I watched the movement of my thumb across his pale skin. I avoided the needle that was placed in the thick vein on the top of his hand, but examined how bruised and purple the skin had become.

I sucked in air deeply, before exhaling, the air leaving my lungs in a kind of shaky breath as I tried to calm my nerves. My stomach was tied in knots and it never seemed to relax. How _could_ I relax when the love of my life, my _fiancée_, was lying, broken, in a hospital bed? And constantly refused to see me.

The last two weeks had been _the_ hardest two weeks of my life. Nothing compared to the fear and anguish I'd dealt with during this short period of time. _Nothing_. Not even the death of my father. That was hard, but at least I knew instantly that he was gone. I'd had that sense of peace. With Edward, I didn't know if he was even going to make it. He'd been unconscious for three days before he'd woken up.

The worst three days of my life.

The moment Emmett showed up at our house, I knew something was wrong.

_Bella, Edward's been in an accident._

Emmett's unusually quiet and heartbreakingly sad voice echoed in my mind again and I closed my eyes tightly, fighting back another round of tears. How I had any left was beyond me. I felt like I never stopped crying.

The moment those words fell from Emmett's lips I had dropped to my knees, my legs refusing to support me. I felt as if I would faint, fear gripping me to my very core. My world was being pulled out from under me. What would I do if he didn't survive? How would _I_ survive without him? He'd been the most important part of my life for eight years; my best friend before my boyfriend, and now my fiancée.

Emmett had to practically carry me to the car and into the hospital where Rose and Esme were waiting. The moment I saw them I broke down, sobs shaking through my entire body. If it hadn't been for Emmett holding on to me, I would have collapsed to the floor again.

My body had been vibrating so violently Carlisle had been concerned that he'd have to sedate me. Eventually, I'd been able to calm myself down and Carlisle slowly explained Edward's condition to me.

He'd been thrown pretty far off the bike. Thankfully, Edward had been wearing a helmet and it had protected his skull from the initial impact on the pavement. Somehow, though, it had inexplicably flung off his head when the bike rolled and apparently the side of his face was pretty banged up and would likely lead to some intense scaring. Carlisle quietly explained that the bike had skidded and landed on top of Edward's legs, pinning him in between a tree and the ground. He clarified that Edward's vitals were good; they were just waiting for him to wake up in his own time.

Those three days were hell on earth. I refused to leave the hospital for fear that if I did Edward would wake up searching for me. I couldn't let him wake up alone.

The first moment I laid eyes on my beautiful Edward, broken, bruised and battered, I lost it for what felt like the one hundredth time. I couldn't hold it together. His right arm was in a sling – Carlisle had informed me that his shoulder had been dislocated when he was thrown from the bike – and there were large bandages covering the same side of his face. His legs were covered by the thin hospital blankets, but underneath I knew they were covered in bandages and casts.

For the first time since I'd known Edward, he'd looked so small and weak lying in that bright white hospital bed. Edward had always been the strong one; my protector; my strength. I know he'd disagree, say that I was the strong one, but he was wrong. So very, very wrong. He'd been through so much more than me, and he came out of it a stronger and a better person than he'd been going in.

I sat in the chair in his room for those three days, barely sleeping and barely eating. Esme forced me to eat as regularly as she could, but I could barely get anything down. My stomach was too tense; too anxious and full of fear to keep any food down.

It was on the third day that Esme had finally convinced me to go home and take a shower and lay down. She told me that I would be no good to Edward as a walking zombie. I knew she was right, and although I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink, too worried about Edward, I had been completely wrong because the moment my head hit the pillow I fell asleep.

Emmett had woken me a few hours later, telling me that Edward was awake and that Carlisle wanted us to come down to the hospital as soon as possible.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I threw my arms around Emmett, giving him the biggest hug I could manage as happy tears flowed down my cheeks. Edward was awake. My Edward was going to be ok.

We arrived back to the hospital to find a solemn looking group of our friends and family. I stared at them, wondering what could possibly make them look so glum when not long before we'd gotten news that Edward was awake.

I'd gotten my answer soon after, a string of hoarse profanities coming from Edward's room; a tired and disconcerted Carlisle exiting the room just a minute later. He looked worn, exhausted, like he'd aged ten years over a 46 hour time period. I'd known he wasn't getting any sleep either; none of us were.

With a heavy sigh, Carlisle had come out to the waiting room, sitting down in a chair and telling me to sit down next to him. Wearily, I'd approached him, sitting down and he'd taken my hands in his and looked at me with such sad eyes. My heart had plummeted into my stomach, as I feared that my greatest worry had been realized.

Edward hadn't really woken up.

Carlisle quickly eased my panic and in a tired voice, explained to me that when the bike had landed on Edward's legs, it had done more damage than they originally assumed. Edward had indeed woken up, and was technically fine, but it appeared that the accident had caused paralysis in both legs. The doctor's were going to be running a variety of tests and taking spinal x-rays, but in the end, only time would tell if it would be a permanent paralysis or not.

Obviously, Edward had not taken it well.

I, on the other hand, was filled with relief. He was okay. He was alive. Sure we'd face some obstacles, but when hadn't we? Our relationship, since the moment we met really, had been full of obstacles causing us to jump hurdles and take detours. We would be fine.

I knew that we would be fine

Immediately after Carlisle finished his explanation, I had tried to go into Edward's room. I needed to see him. I knew he must be asking about me, asking where I was.

But, Carlisle grabbed a hold of my hand and asked me to wait. With a deep breath and the use of his 'doctor voice', he told me Edward didn't want to have visitors. But I wasn't a visitor. When I began to object, Carlisle gravely stated that included me.

Once again it felt like my heart had been torn in two. Would the emotional exhaustion and pain ever stop?

_He didn't want to see me?_

Carlisle reasoned that Edward was still in masses of shock, and I just needed to give him time. He'd come around.

He didn't.

I waited around the hospital every day and night waiting for him to ask for me. He never did. Every time Carlisle would reemerge from Edward's room, I'd throw him a hopefully glance and he would simply shake his head sadly. _Not yet_.

Every time Carlisle reappeared with that same look on his face I felt a little bit more of my heart shatter in its place. Why didn't he want to see me? I knew he hadn't wanted to see anyone, but I was his fiancée; the love of his life. Wasn't I?

Occasionally, Carlisle let me sneak into Edward's room while he slept, just so I could get a glance of him. I'd watch him sleep for an undeterminable amount of time, the seconds ticking by far more quickly than I would have liked, and watched as he peacefully dreamed. I would watch his eye lids flutter; his lips part just barely as he breathed in through his mouth; his fingers twitch; I studied him and memorized every piece of his broken body and both the marred and the unmarked parts of his flesh alike, as if it was the last time I was going to see him.

I wanted to commit it all to memory.

"Bella," Edward's quiet voice sliced through my thoughts, startling me, my head jerking up to look at his face.

Tears instantly flooded my eyes, sobs taking over my body again. I couldn't hold back the sudden onslaught of emotions; happiness, sadness, fear, love, anxiety: you name it, I felt it.

"Edward," I whimpered in between sobs, I continued to hold his hand in mine, not being able to let go of him.

My heart started pounding wildly in my chest as we just stared at each other. His usual bright green eyes were dull and lifeless. They held little to no expression; just stared blankly back at me. It scared me to see him this way, but I couldn't do anything about it, but let him know I would always be here for him.

"I love you" I whispered through another round of tears. I did. I loved him so much it hurt.

He just nodded as he turned his gaze away from me, staring at the white wall ahead of him. He looked lost in his own head, and I so desperately wanted to know what he was feeling and thinking. I wanted to comfort him; hold him.

Eventually, he slowly pulled his hand out of mine and laid it flat against his stomach. He still did not allow himself to look at me. I tried not to panic. Carlisle said he needed time to adjust; to come to terms with the possibility of not being able to walk again. We both had a lot of adjustments to make, emotionally and otherwise.

"How are you?" I whispered, not sure what else to say. We hadn't talked for more than two weeks. That's never happened before. We talked several times a day, every day and told each other everything. I wasn't sure what to do or say in this situation.

"How the fuck do you think I'm doing, Bella?" he snapped, as he turned his head to glare at me.

I jumped, recoiling from his harsh words. He had never spoken to me that way before. Ever.

I swallowed thickly, nodding and biting at my lower lip; trying to fight off another onslaught of tears. "I'm sorry," I apologized, my voice low and shaky.

I glanced down at my hands as I twirled the sliver engagement ring around my finger, the cool metal providing a sense of comfort. It was a symbol of his love. I needed to remind myself that he loved me, now more than ever.

When I glanced back up at him he was staring at the wall in front of him again. His jaw was clenched and I could practically hear his back teeth grinding together. It was his tell tale sign of irritation. Was he annoyed with me? Or just in general? I tried not to panic myself by thinking it was the first option.

"Um, can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Are you in too much pain? Would you like me to call a nurse?" I rambled on nervously, taking a deep shaky breath after I was through and watched his face expectantly.

He just shook his head minutely, his gaze not shifting from its focus on the wall, before speaking, "No, I don't need anything."

"How about a sponge bath?" I asked flirtatiously, wiggling my eyebrows and smiling, trying to lighten up the mood.

He grunted a response and shook his head, his serious expression never wavering. I sighed, suddenly feeling very tired. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Things had never been this hard for us. Our friendship, and by default our relationship had always come so naturally, like breathing.

/~F~\

"_I love you," he whispered, for the first time, against my ear, his hot breath tickling the tiny hairs along my neck. I shivered as a wide smile spread across my face. My heart swelled with an all consuming happiness and love at his confession. I'd been on the fence about whether or not I should tell him how I felt, our "official" relationship still so new, but I knew without a doubt I loved him. There was no one else for me. He was it. He was my best friend, and despite everything we'd been through up until this point – all the pain, frustration and all the hurtful words that been spoken unnecessarily between us during the roughest of times, I needed him like I needed oxygen to breathe. _

"_I love you too," I replied, turning my head slightly, my mouth trailing hot kisses along his jaw as my lips searched out his. Quickly, our lips came together, biting & sucking; exploring our newfound confessions of love through our mouths. He smiled against my lips, as his hands wound their way into my hair. _

"_God, it makes me so happy to hear those words come out of your beautiful mouth," he rasped as he broke our kiss, pulling his head away from mine just far enough for his green eyes, shining brightly with all his love and adoration, to meet mine. I smiled back at him as I ran my fingers through his hair. _

_I tugged his head forward so I could press my lips to his once again, needing to taste him again _

_That night we'd made love so slowly and passionately, exploring each other's bodies with new found adoration. All of my senses felt amplified by the realization my feelings for him were returned. Our love making had never been as intense and emotionally charged as it had been on that night. I'd never felt so loved, adored and worshiped in my entire life. _

_Edward had always been overly attentive to my wants and needs, not only in the bedroom, but in every aspect of my life. He treated me like a princess and practically worshiped the ground I walked on. He never over did it to the point of annoyance, just simply showed me how much he cared through the little things – sweet text messages, flowers just because, mixed CD's of all my favorite songs, whispered words of devotion and admiration. _

_There was no doubt about it. Edward Cullen was the only one for me. No matter what. As long as we loved each other, we could get through anything. _

/~F~\

I placed my head in my hands, rubbing my temples gently. I'd had a constant headache the last week or so. I'm sure my lack of sleep was not helping the situation.

"Why aren't you at work?" Edward asked quietly, his voice was still pretty raspy from disuse. Carlisle had mentioned that Edward wasn't saying more than he absolutely had to.

"Oh, I uh, I've taken a temporary leave of absence. They've found a semi-permanent sub for me," I explained, my leg bouncing up and down in the chair anxiously. I was a third grade teacher at Forks Elementary and as soon as news of Edward's accident spread through the town the principle, Mrs. Cope, called to speak to me and find out if I needed to take a leave of absence. She said everyone would understand, and I agreed. That sounded like exactly what I needed. I was too lost in my own head and worried about Edward to be an adequate teacher. I didn't want my kids to suffer.

"Why did you do that?" Edward asked, annoyance laced through his words. He finally turned his gaze toward me, and his facial expression did little to contradict the irritation in his words.

"Well, I just figured it would be best. I mean, I've been too distracted to actually concentrate on teaching anyway. I mean, c'mon Edward, you know I've been worried sick about you," I whispered the last few words as I leaned forward and tried to take his hand in mine again. He flinched, pulling away before my hand could make contact with his skin.

I felt my face fall as the sting of his rejection settled in. I swallowed hard, and nodded softly, leaning back in my seat. Alright, if he needed space I would try to do that.

_This isn't about you Bella_.

"And we have a lot of other… arrangements to make before you're released from here…," I trailed off as he looked away from me yet again, like he was completely disinterested in what I had to say.

"Carlisle told me you'd most likely be able to be released from the hospital sometime next week. They just need to get you acquainted with the wheel chair and do some physical therapy-,"

"Bella, do you mind if I just have some time alone right now? I'm feeling tired," Edward interrupted, giving me a sideways glance before closing his eyes; he licked his lips as I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.

I stared at his profile incredulously for a few moments before snapping out my daze and nodding my head. "Sure." I replied curtly. I bit down on the inside of my cheek, holding back my tears before I practically raced out of the room. I didn't even bother to look back at Edward's face. I knew it was pointless. It would only twist the proverbial knife further into my chest.

Once out in the hallway, I leaned my back against the wall, sinking down to the ground and bringing my knees up to my chest. I buried my fingers in my hair, shaking the bun loose.

I couldn't hold it in any more and I just let the floodgates loose. I let the hot and wet tears stream down my face.

"Bella! Are you ok!" I heard Alice call and listened as the click of her heels against the tile floor quickened as she ran towards me. As soon as she reached my side, she threw herself down onto the floor and immediately wrapped her arms around my shaking form.

Alice had been my best friend, other than Edward, since the start of college. She was my roommate freshman year and somehow we had both ended up lucky to be the only freshman in a dorm full of upperclassman. While I had been positively terrified, Alice embraced it. Alice and I were complete opposites but we complemented each other in every way. The way best friends were supposed to be.

The moment I'd called Alice with news of Edward's accident she'd taken the first flight in from California. Alice had stayed in California after college. As a fashion merchandising major, who now ran her own boutique; it was the most practical place for her to be. Despite the distance, we were still as close as ever. I stood up in her wedding, and she would be standing up beside me as my matron of honor in mine.

_If there is even still a wedding to attend_.

_Stop it Bella. There is still going to be a wedding. You still have a year. Everything will work out. You and Edward just have some adjustments to make. _

"Alice," I rasped, sobs still shaking through my body. "What if we can't work through this?"

I turned my head to face her, resting my cheek against my knees. My vision was blurry and unfocused, the tears obstructing my view of Alice's face.

"Oh Bella," Alice whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around me. For a tiny girl she was surprisingly strong. "You'll work through it. Just give him some time. He's going through a lot. I imagine he's still in a lot of shock and just not sure what to do. He loves you, Bella. So much. I know he does," she reassured me as she ran her fingers through my hair.

I hiccupped, my tears finally starting to dry and muscles finally beginning to relax.

"But what if love isn't enough?"

* * *

I promise that this is an HEA story. They just have a few things to work through. He also wont be a dick like this forever. Everything has a reason =)

Reviews are always appreciated. I'll send out a teaser for chapter 3 in the review reply =)


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for all the support for this story so far! I'm blown away!

Thank you to my betas (BM, Clare) and my team of prereaders (Silver, Maria, Izzy, Laura). You all rock my socks.

**Disclaimer:** While I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, I am taking some creative liberties with Edward's paralysis. Please keep this in mind while reading. If SM can write a story about sparkly vamps who impregnate a human with a demon spawn – then I can take creative license with paralysis.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Twilight.

* * *

Chapter 3 

_Come back down save yourself__  
__I can't find my way to you__  
__And I can't bear and face the truth_

– Breaking Benjamin

EPOV

I had to get Bella out of here. I couldn't have her looking at me with such pity. I _couldn't_ deal with it. She's always looked at me with love and adoration – and although I could still see a hint of that present in her brown eyes, I now saw sadness and pity overshadowing it.

There was only one other time that she'd looked at me with such shame and disappointment. And that was when I had started using pain pills for recreational purposes again after a short stint in rehab. She'd looked at me like I was nothing but a burden, a loser, and I never wanted to see that look in her eyes again.

I loved her so much and I couldn't stand the idea of disappointing her again.

It was hard enough trying to wrap my mind around the possibility of not being able to walk again. I mean… _fuck_… what was I going to do? How was I going to work? Function at home? Be the man that Bella deserved?

Thousands of questions and possibilities ran through my mind about what was going to happen once I was released from the hospital and I returned home. I was plagued with this constant fear that I was going to become a burden to Bella and she was just going to get fed up and leave me. Or worse, stay with me out of pity.

Bella was tiny. Who was going to get the serving platters down from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets? I always did that shit for her. Who was going to reach the wine glasses that were in the cupboards above the fridge? I always did that shit too. How was I going to be able to do even the smallest things to take care of my Bella if I was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of our lives?

Grunting, I shifted my body, feeling tired of sitting in this same position day after day for the last two weeks. My back was fucking sore. I moved my left arm to slowly massage my lower back, being careful to not jostle my cracked ribs or tender shoulder. My shoulder had been feeling a lot better recently, but if I moved too quickly the pain would shoot down through my shoulder and into my back – and it was not a comfortable feeling. My ribs on the other hand, still hurt like a bitch on a fairly regular basis - especially without the higher dosages of Percocet. It'd be really nice if Carlisle and these other fucking doctors would just calm the fuck down and trust that I wasn't going to become addicted again.

Leaning back against the bed again, I glanced down at my legs and threw the sheet that rested over them to the side.

It was the weirdest and most frustrating thing I'd ever experienced. I could feel light sensations in my waist and ass, but I _could not_ get my legs to move. I would stare at them and my mind would be screaming at them to move… and nothing.

I started down at my legs, one of them covered in a cast – apparently the leg that had broken when I was a teenager re-broke and the other one was just a mess, covered in bandages from where the skin had been scraped off from the friction of my jeans rubbing against the pavement.

I placed my hands on my thighs, applying pressure with the palms of my hands and the tips of my fingers. I could feel a slight pressure, but mostly it was nothing but numbness. You know when you're sitting in an uncomfortable position for too long, and one of your extremities 'falls asleep' and suddenly it's tingling all over? Well that's kind of what it felt like; only the tingling was not as intense. I hoped to God my legs were only 'asleep' and they'd wake the fuck up soon.

"C'mon, you fuckers, just move," I mumbled as I stared intently at my toes. I focused in on my big toe, just fucking envisioning it moving in my head and trying to, I don't know, project that image into my fucking foot and get it to just shift or budge - _something_.

It didn't matter how long I stared at them, it was impossible. They weren't budging. They were just not picking up on the signals my brain was sending them.

Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door, startling me out my daze.

"Come in," I mumbled, not really wanting to be bothered but I figured if it was a doctor or something they'd come in anyway.

"Hey Edward, how's it going man?"

It was my physical therapist, Demetri. I groaned and mumbled a greeting that hardly resembled 'hello'.

He was an okay guy, not much older than me. He resembled my brother Emmett a lot in the aspect that he was gigantic, had dark hair and was always so fucking jovial you wanted to punch the fucker right in the mouth because it was so fucking annoying.

"Are you ready for your session?" he asked as he entered the room, pushing my wheelchair in front of him.

I mumbled something akin to 'I guess', as I shrugged my good shoulder.

Why I even had to go to these fucking sessions was beyond me. I mean, I couldn't fucking walk, so what difference did it make? Carlisle, being the reasonable doctor he was, explained that if I ever wanted hope of walking again, then I needed to keep the muscles strong. I apparently also had to work out the muscles in my shoulder so I could get my range of motion back.

I didn't really give a shit about any of it.

As soon as Demetri reached the side of my bed, a nurse came in carrying a pair of scrub pants for me to put on.

This was the humiliating part. I could barely put on my own pants. I needed a nurse and my fucking physical therapist to help me put them on.

I could do it by myself; it just took me a really fucking long time – especially with my shoulder and ribs feelings so sore. This is what I was not looking forward to about going home. Bella was going to be the only one there with me and she was going to have to help me do _everything_. How fucking humiliating was it to have your girlfriend help you put your pants on and go to the bathroom. There is just some shit she shouldn't have to deal with.

So maybe physical therapy wasn't so bad after all. The more upper body strength I developed and the more I worked out my legs, hopefully the sooner I'd be able to do more things on my own. Once my shoulder and ribs were completely healed, I knew it'd be easier… _minimally_.

Once I was covered up, Demetri helped me swing my legs over the side of the bed and into the wheelchair. Thank God he was so big, lifting me around couldn't have been easy. I had a decent amount of upper body strength prior to the accident, with daily trips to the gym, but since I'd been in the hospital for two weeks it had depleted more than I thought it would in such a short period of time. Of course having a busted up shoulder and ribs didn't really help the situation. I was able to maneuver myself a little, but was definitely going to need to lift some barbells or something once my shoulder was healed.

I didn't know how Bella was going to deal with all this shit. Fuck. I didn't really want to think about it. I knew it would only frustrate me and add to the pity party I was already throwing for myself.

Remember what Carlisle said, _'One day at a time'. _

Ha, yeah. Easier said than done.

As much as I hated the damn thing, and didn't want to admit it, I adjusted to the wheelchair quite quickly and it was a lot easier to deal with than I anticipated. For the most part, I could wheel myself around using my good arm, but I tired out quickly. It was still an adjustment, but I was getting the hang of it.

Physical therapy sessions always wore me out too. Demetri worked me hard and pushed my limits. I supposed that was a good thing, but I was exhausted by the time we were through.

Today was no different.

The exercises were pretty fundamental at this point, stretching out and massaging my legs and my shoulders. Since one of my legs was still in a cast, there wasn't a whole lot we could do. Demetri informed me that once the cast was off we'd be hitting it even harder.

_Just fucking wonderful._

By the time all of my exercises were completed, I was practically falling asleep in the wheelchair on the way back to my room.

It took all of five minutes for me to pass out once I was back in the bed.

###

Another five days passed and it was finally time for me to begin my transition home. My shoulder was finally in pretty decent shape and I no longer needed the sling. My ribs still hurt like hell when I moved too quickly or laughed too hard – although I wasn't doing a whole lot of laughing so that wasn't really a problem. The doctors had all informed me that I needed to take it easy with it and not over do it.

Gauze and bandages still covered the parts of my face that got all fucked up, only being removed when the wounds were cleaned. The doctors said in about another week they could be removed for good.

Great. As if I wasn't a big enough of a freak in a wheel-chair, I was going to have to go out in public with my face all fucked up looking like Frankenstein with stitches down the side of my face.

_Fucking awesome_.

Demetri provided me with a list of exercises I needed to be completing each day – some I could do on my own and some I would need some assistance with. Bella, of course, would be the one burdened with this duty.

Bella had been in and out the last few days, visiting and explaining how things were going at the house with preparations. Communication between us was strained at best.

Our physical relationship was also suffering, beyond the obvious reasons. She always approached me in the same way someone would approach a scared animal – slow and tentative. It drove me insane. To the point where I didn't even want her touching me. She would try to give me a gentle kiss on the cheek or on the lips and I could barely force myself to return the gesture. She tried to touch me in other innocent ways – a hug, run her fingers through my hair, intertwine her fingers with mine – and I would flinch or just brush her off.

I mean, what the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn't I let my beautiful girlfriend show me affection?

Oh right. I was undesirable and unattractive. I was nothing but a cripple now. I was weak.

I always caught the dejected look in her eyes whenever I would flinch away from her touch and it killed me. Part of me knew I was being a selfish fucker and was acting like a dick, but it didn't matter how much I loved her, I couldn't seem to stop my behavior.

I just couldn't allow myself to be comforted by her touch. It wasn't fair. I was already putting too much on her shoulders.

"Hey big man, you ready to go home?" Emmett's loud voice broke through my thoughts as he barged into the room.

I grunted a response. Caveman sounds seemed to be the only way I communicated these days.

"Stop with the fucking attitude and pity party, man. Get out of your head and stop over analyzing. I want my brother back."

I ignored him as I grabbed a hold of my legs, lifting them up and swing them around so they were dangling off the side of the bed.

Emmett wheeled my chair over to me, locking it into place. I leaned down, bracing my hands onto the arms of the chair so I could maneuver my body around so I was sitting in the chair.

I began wheeling myself out of the room, Emmett trailing behind me, just off to the side.

No one bothered to say goodbye to me as I wheeled toward the elevator. I'm sure they were all happy to see the grumpy asshole leaving.

As we made our way out of the sliding glass doors and into the parking lot, I suddenly felt light headed and my hands began to shake as the rows and rows of cars came into view. I took a deep breath, and shook my head in an attempt to clear it.

_What the fuck is wrong with me?_

"Stay here and I'll go bring the car around. I'm parked all the way in the back," Emmett suggested and I merely nodded, too tired to put up a fight about how I was a big boy and could handle crossing the parking lot. My arms were already fucking tired and we'd barely gone anywhere. I didn't have the energy to argue.

Emmett sprinted off towards the back of the lot and I scowled at his retreating form. Subconsciously I found myself becoming slightly jealous of the fact that Emmett could go for a light jog across the parking lot, something he didn't have to think twice about, and I was confined to this God forsaken chair.

_Fucker_.

Emmett pulled up less than a minute later in Bella's tiny sedan. Thank God Emmett had thought to borrow Bella's car, instead of bringing his huge SUV. I would have never been able to get into it.

I managed to hoist myself up in the seat without much assistance from Emmett. This little accomplishment made me feel a tiny bit better about my ablities to do things for myself. I groaned inwardly. _Just barely_.

As I buckled my seat belt and turned my attention forward I suddenly felt hot, sweat pooling on the back of my neck, as the car began to move and we pulled out onto the main road.

Before I knew it, we were pulling on to the freeway, my breaths coming in heavy pants, the muscles in my back tensing as the car began to pick up speed. I cut a glance over at Emmett, who was the textbook definition of ease - head bobbing to the music one hand on the steering wheel. I glanced back in front of me, watching as we whizzed past the few cars that were on the two lane highway.

I closed my eyes as I tried to push back the wave of nausea that took me by surprise.

Images began flashing behind my eye lids, quick, split-secondsof color, like a movie being fast forwarded. I cringed as the image of me on my bike gave away instantly to my bike suddenly being out of control, my body being tossed to the side.

"Dude, are you okay?" Emmett asked, his voice sounding far away. I felt like my head was underwater. His words were mumbled and I could barely make them out.

I shook my head back and forth while bringing my hands up to my face and running them through my hair.

Images flashed again, this time I wasn't on my bike but in the back seat of my parents car. Flashes of light, crunching of metal, screams of my parents and so much blood assaulted my memories.

"Pull over, pull over, _PULL OVER_!" I yelled, my voice rising with each word I spoke. Emmett slammed on the breaks and swurved onto the shoulder, doing nothing to ease the sudden anxiety.

The moment the car jerked to a stop, I threw the door open and leaned over the side and spewed the contents of my stomach all over the gravel.

"What the fuck?" Emmett cried out and I cringed at the loud vibrato of his voice. My head was pounding. I spit a few times onto the ground, trying to rid my mouth of the taste of vomit, before leaning back in the seat, my eyes still closed.

_Deep breath in._

_Deep breath out._

_Deep breath in._

_Deep breath out._

I opened my eyes again and slowly turned to face Emmett. He was staring at me with a mixture of shock and concern.

"What just happened?" he asked slowly and I shook my head.

"Can you just slow down a little bit?" I asked, my voice hoarse.

He nodded before putting the car into drive again and easing back onto the highway.

I kept my eyes closed the rest of the way home. Emmett kept the car going at a slow pace and was probably being over-cautious.

Once I calmed down enough, my thoughts wandered to Bella and what was going to happen now that we'd be spending more time together than we had over the last three weeks. We would no longer have the buffer of doctors and nurses coming in and out of the room. All we would have was each other.

This was going to either make us or break us.

It felt like both one of the longest and shortest car rides of my life.

I opened my eyes just as Emmett was pulling into my neighborhood. The closer we got to the house, the more anxious I became. I was feeling anxious about seeing Bella, but also feeling somewhat relieved to finally just be back in my own home. My own bed.

"What the fuck is that?" I spat, as we pulled into the driveway and my eyes settled onto the porch.

"What? The wheelchair ramp?" Emmett asked, his eyebrows furrowing together and probably confused by what the fuck my problem was.

"Yes, the fucking wheelchair ramp. How did it get there?"

"I built it," he answered, his smile beaming with pride.

"What the fuck for? I don't want that there. Now the whole god damned neighborhood is gonna know I'm a cripple."

Emmett glared at me for a moment before speaking. "Shut the fuck up, Edward. How did you expect to get into your house if I didn't build that damn thing? Did you forget about the porch with the five steps to get up into the house? Or did you just plan on growing magical fairy wings and flying into the house every day?"

I glared at him, tensing my jaw and grinding my teeth together.

"Who gives a shit what the neighbors think? Bella sure as shit doesn't. She only cares about you. Oh and I'm pretty sure they're going to know that something happened to you when you're coasting around the yard in a fucking wheelchair. That is if they don't already know. Did you forget that we lived in a small town and everyone knows everyone else's business? I know you hit your head, but you couldn't have forgotten that quickly," Emmett lectured, returning my tense glare.

"Cut this shit out, Edward," he snapped. "Put on your damn happy face. I don't care how badly you have to fake it. There is a woman inside that house who loves you more than her own life and if you hurt her, I don't even care that you're my brother; I will rip your arms out their sockets and beat you with them. So pull your head out of your ass and let's go."

With those final words he leaped out of the car and opened the trunk to pull out my chair.

_That's my brother. Always with the motivating pep talks. _

I just glowered at him as he helped me out of the car and into the chair.

"Edward, that doesn't look like your happy face," Emmett whispered menacingly as he followed behind me, up the ramp and onto the porch. I lifted up my arm and showed him my middle finger.

The screen door was open, and I could hear music filtering out of the house. I couldn't see Bella through the door, but I knew she must not be too far away.

Emmett held the door open for me as I wheeled forward, and entered the living room.

I was suddenly filled with relief that we had decided to buy the smaller one-story ranch house instead of the original two-story. Bella had insisted that we didn't need all that extra space. Thank God, I'd given into what she wanted. Prior to this accident, I'd given her whatever she wanted. I just wanted to take care of her and make her happy. We'd be in a world of trouble and even more frustrated than we currently were if we'd have to worry about getting my up a flight of stairs each night.

As I wheeled my way into the house, I cocked my head to the side, looking down the hallway in search of Bella before making my way into the kitchen.

"Hey, guys!" Bella said cheerfully as we made our way into the kitchen. She was smiling brightly as she stood in front of the stove. "Are you hungry? I'm making grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. I know it's your favorite Edward!"

She smiled at me as she moved away from the stove and walked towards me, leaning down to give me a light kiss on the cheek. I frowned at her and started rolling my chair closer to the table.

"Hell, yeah! I'm starving!" Emmett butted in, racing around me to take a seat at the kitchen table.

"When are you not hungry?" I mumbled to him with a roll of my eyes.

Emmett ignored me, sitting down at the table and waited eagerly for Bella to place a bowl of soup and a sandwich in front of him.

The food was barely in front of him before he started scarfing it down like a fucking animal. I almost wanted to laugh. Almost.

"How 'bout you Edward? Would you like some?" Bella asked hopefully, a smile gracing her gorgeous face.

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "Um, no I think I'm good. I'm just going to go lay down. I'm tired."

I watched as her face fell and it made my heart ache and my stomach twist. "Hey," I whispered getting Bella's attention and her eyes darted from the floor up to mine, "I'll eat some in a little while. I'm just really exhausted. Today's been really long." I gave her a small, forced smile and she nodded, a forced smile coming right back at me.

I began to wheel my way out of the kitchen and down the hallway towards the bedroom. The ride home really did take a hell of a lot out of me and I didn't really feel like being around people. I just wanted to be alone for a while.

* * *

Let me know your thoughts! Thanks for reading! =)


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Thank you for all the amazing feedback on this story so far. I'm overwhelmed by the positive response. I'm sorry I don't have time to reply to all of your reviews, but I appreciate them more than you know. =) Thank you so much to Silver, Maria, Laura and Caren for their help on this chapter!

**Disclaimer**: While I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, I am taking some creative liberties with Edward's paralysis. Please keep this in mind while reading. If SM can write a story about sparkly vamps who impregnate a human with a demon spawn – then I can take creative license with paralysis.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Twilight.

* * *

Chapter 4

_Days go on forever_  
_But I have not left your side_  
_We can chase the dark together_  
_If you go then so will I_

- Breaking Benjamin

BPOV

I watched as Edward wheeled himself out of the room and then turned my attention to Emmett who was giving me a sympathetic glance.

"It'll get better, Bells," Emmett commented, in an attempt to reassure me. I sighed heavily while nodding and plopping down in the chair next to him. He placed his hand on my back and rubbed softly, in a comfortable brother-like movement.

I placed my head in my hands, burying my fingers in my hair and trying to hide the fact that tears were starting to build up in my eyes.

"I just…I don't know what to do, Emmett," I whispered, bringing my head up to look at him. My vision was cloudy as the tears started to build up more quickly. I could feel my lower lip begin to quiver, I bit down on it, trying to make the tears stop. I didn't even know how I had any more to cry. It felt like that was all I'd been doing these last three weeks. "It seems like no matter what I do it doesn't help."

He sighed heavily before speaking, "You don't need me to tell you anything that I'm about to say, but I think you should hear it anyway. He's been through a lot. It's going to take him some time to come around and accept the help you want to give him. You know how fucking proud he is - too much of a douche to admit when he needs help. All you can do right now is be there for him."

I laughed lightly and nodded my head. Emmett was right. Edward wasn't usually one to accept help. He was fiercely independent. He liked to be the provider. I drew in a shaky breath, "I know this Emmett. It just doesn't make it any easier."

He took a bite of his grilled cheese and nodded his head. "I know you know it, Bella," His mouth was still full of the sandwich when he continued speaking "He loves you. More than anything in the world. You _do_ know _that_ right?"

I turned my head to stare into his clear blue eyes that were imploring me to understand and believe the words he was telling me. I did believe them. I _knew_ Edward loved me. I just hadn't heard him utter those words since before the accident. It was really taking a toll on my emotions. It was so hard sometimes. All I wanted to hear were three small words, a sign from him that we were still _us._ Before the accident, he'd told me every day, multiple times a day that he loved me. It was hard to go a few seconds, let alone several weeks, without hearing them, especially once you'd grown accustom to it.

I nodded. "I know, Emmett. It's just…I don't know how much more of him pushing me away I can deal with. It's _so_ hard."

Wiping the tears away from my eyes, I took a deep breath. I was so exhausted, emotionally and physically. Completely unsure of how I was going to be able to do this; afraid it was only going to get worse before it got better. That's how these kinds of things always happened. I didn't know what I would do if it did. I always felt like I was emotionally strong, but didn't know how strong. This would be the ultimate test.

"He loves you," Emmett repeated with conviction, not a wave of uncertainty in his voice, reminding me of what I so desperately needed to hear. Except, I needed to hear it from another Cullen.

I nodded. "I _know_." I looked down at my left hand, twirling the small band around slowly, a small smile tugging at my lips as the memory of him asking me to marry him began to invade my mind. The last _truly_ happy moment we'd had.

_/~F~\ _

_Exhausted from the extra long day at work, I couldn't wait to just get home and relax. Parent-teacher conferences had taken place after school, causing me to not get home until eight p.m. Never in my life had I stayed at the school that long. Whoever thought it was a good idea to hold conferences after school was seriously deranged. Luckily, we had late arrival tomorrow so I didn't have to be into work until nine a.m. It would be a nice change from the usual seven a.m. arrival time. _

_All day I'd wanted nothing more than to just get home to Edward, knowing how hard this day always was for him. The anniversary of his parent's death was never easy, even though he seemed to be dealing with it a lot better each year that passed._

_As I opened the front door, I noticed how unusually dark the house was. Edward's truck was in the driveway, so I knew he was home. Why was it so dark? _

"_Edward?" I called out, blindly reaching for the light switch along the wall. Before I could reach it, a row of white Christmas lights suddenly lit up the room. I gasped in surprise, wondering what the heck was going on. _

_The lights took shape like an arrow, pointing in the direction of the bedroom Edward and I shared. _

_As I walked slowly along the path, I noticed clusters of lights along the wall. I stopped at the first one to find a small pink note card attached. I brought it up to my eyes to see handwriting I knew so well. _

_**I love waking up and seeing your beautiful face first thing in the morning. (keep following the path)**_

_I smiled widely and focused my attention back on the path. I came to another cluster of lights and found another note card. _

_**I remember the first time I saw you. Your beauty captivated me. You keep getting more beautiful with each passing day. **_

_Tears were starting to prick at my eyes with each note card I came across. _

_**Your smile can not only light up a room, it lights up my life. **_

_The next card._

_**I love that you sing and dance when you think no one is watching. I love your free spirit. **_

_The next card. _

_**I love your passion for teaching. It makes me eager to some day have our own children together. **_

_Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I walked down the path that was definitely leading me toward our bedroom. The door to our room was framed by the lights, another note pinned to the door right at eye level. _

_**My heart belongs to you. **_

_My heart was pounding in my chest as I placed my hand on the door knob, turning the handle slowly. _

_A loud gasp fell from my lips as I pushed the door open, the room coming completely into view. My hands flew up to my face, covering my mouth as more tears fell from eyes. The note cards I'd been holding fell to my feet as I looked around. _

_Hundreds of candles lined every inch of the room, on the dressers and on the floor, and our bed was covered in rose petals. A soft floral scent filled my nostrils as I stepped further into the room. Music was playing so softly I could barely hear it. _

"_Edward?" I whispered, afraid to speak too loudly, as if it would shatter this perfect moment. _

_On call, he stepped out of our adjoined bathroom, wearing a perfectly tailored black suit and holding a single rose in his hand. He smiled warmly at me, one side of his mouth lifting into his signature smile. He looked breathtakingly handsome. He was always beautiful, but tonight he was so much more. _

_The tears were now flowing like a river, happy sobs shaking in my chest. _

_I so badly wanted to ask him what was going on, but I couldn't even speak, emotion thick in my throat._

_He walked toward me slowly, holding the rose out in front of him, handing it to me. _

_I took it, smiling at him through my tears. _

_Suddenly, he was down on his knee, looking up at me as his green eyes shined bright with adoration and love. _

"_Isabella Marie Swan…"_

_Suddenly it occurred to me, exactly what he was doing. As if it was even possible, my body began to shake harder from the tears, my heart pounding wildly and echoing in my ears. _

"…_I've loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you. You've been here for me through so much and even if I lived a thousand years I could never tell you how thankful I am for you. You've dealt with so much more than any person should ever have to endure for another human being. But your compassion and selflessness is just one of the many things that I love the most about you…" _

_His green eyes were swimming with so much emotion, I could see them glistening as the candlelight reflected off of them, tears threatening to spill over at any moment. _

"…_Bella, I promise to love you every day for the rest of my life. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" _

_All I could do was nod, knowing that words were so beyond this beautiful moment. Never in my life would I have expected anything like this. _

_He immediately jumped up, wrapping me in his arms and lifting my feet up off the ground. "I love you so much," he whispered into my hair. _

"_I love you too," I whispered back. _

_He loosened his hold on me, placing me back down on the ground as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little black box. _

_He opened it, pulling out the most perfect ring I'd ever seen._

_It was small, just like I'd wanted. Nothing more than a small silver band with a single princess cut diamond in the middle. _

"_It's perfect," I whispered as he slid the ring on my finger. _

"_You're perfect," he whispered back as he brought his hands up and placed them on my cheeks, wiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. _

_Too slowly, he brought his mouth down to my awaiting lips. _

_/~F~\ _

"Bella…?"

Emmett's gentle voice pulled me back from my thoughts and I pulled my eyes away from the engagement ring to look at him. His eyebrows were furrowed together in concern.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I asked sheepishly, slightly embarrassed.

"I just thought you should know…I think Edward had a panic attack in the car on the way home from the hospital…" he trailed off, knowing not much more of an explanation was needed. Honestly, I had been expecting it. It wasn't the first time he'd ever had one, it'd just been years.

"I think he's going to need to see his therapist again. He's dealing with a lot. Obviously he's falling into depression but I think, and I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm guessing he's suffering from some PTSD."

I nodded and sighed, leaning back in the chair as I spoke, "That's to be expected."

This was going to be the hardest part. Getting him to go back and see a therapist. I knew how hard it was for him to even consider seeing one after his parents died, and then he saw another one, after much convincing on my part, before and after the time he'd spent in the drug rehab facility. He saw that person for about a year during his recovery and I knew that it really helped him. He built quite the rapport with that therapist, he trusted him. It really sucked now because that therapist was back in California. We were going to have start at square one. Edward was stubborn, hard headed and didn't like to admit when he was suffering.

_Yeah this should be a really fun conversation. Not._

"You're gonna have to talk to him," Emmett stated. "You're the only person he'll listen to, even if it doesn't seem like it right now."

"Yeah I know," I replied, grabbing his empty plate and bowl and heading over to the sink, placing them inside. I was too tired to deal with them now. "Will you ask Carlisle for some referrals next time you talk him? It'll just be easier to have the discussion with Edward if I already have some options available for him."

I turned back away from the sink just as Emmett was getting up from the chair.

"Absolutely. You know I'll do whatever I can to help."

"Thank you, Emmett. I really appreciate all your help. Ya know, with the porch and getting things ready and just listening to me bitch and moan," I told him as I walked him to the front door. I tried to laugh, but it came out a little strangled and forced. He frowned.

"I'll always be here to listen, Bella. You can talk to me whenever you need to. You don't have to deal with him all alone."

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his waist, giving him a friendly hug goodbye. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed firmly.

"Well, I have to go pick up Ava up from preschool. Rosie is working late tonight so I'm on munchkin duty," he mentioned, laughing lightly. Ava was Emmett and Rosalie's four-year-old daughter. She was an amazing little person and one hundred percent a Daddy's girl. "Get some sleep, Bells. You look like shit," he teased, grinning as he pulled away from our hug.

I rolled my eyes and swatted him on the arm. "Gee thanks, Em. Give Ava hugs from me."

He laughed, before pushing the screen door open and stepping onto the porch.

"I will and call if you need anything."

"I will."

I watched as he walked out the door and headed toward his Jeep. When he pulled away from the curb I closed the front door and locked it before walking back toward the bedroom.

As I entered the room, my eyes immediately flew to Edward's sleeping form. I shut the door gently behind me and walked over to his side of the bed, staring down at his angelic face. He looked peaceful as he slept. All the muscles in his face were relaxed and all the pain and despair from earlier in the day gone. I sighed, a small smile playing on my lips. He was gorgeous, even with the bandages covering parts of his face.

I gently trailed my fingers through his soft hair; he hummed subconsciously as my fingertips made contact with his scalp. His head turned to face me, leaning into my touch. This subconscious gesture gave me hope.

I pulled my hand away from his face and walked to the dresser, searching for something more comfortable to sleep in. I pulled out a pair of Edward's boxer-shorts and a tank top and quickly changed.

I climbed into bed next to Edward, snuggling up to his side. I took his hand, threading our fingers together and gently brought our joined hands up to my lips to place a small kiss on the back of his hand, pressing my lips to the sensitive skin that was still bruised from where an IV had been placed not long ago.

It took only minutes for me to settle into the sheets before I fell into a dreamless sleep, keeping mine and Edward's hands joined together.

###

I woke an indiscernible time later to find our bedroom basked in a light glow from the setting sun as it peaked through our blinds and to a soft caressing on the palm of my hand.

Slowly, I opened my eyes, blinking repeatedly as my vision adjusted and settled on the rise and fall of Edward's chest as he breathed in an out. He had readjusted the position of our hands, my arm now resting across his chest, the fingers of his other hand intertwined with mine.

I looked up at Edward and saw him staring down at our hands, his attention completely focused on the little silver band I had been admiring just a short time ago. He was moving it gently back and forth across my skin, causing the tiny bit of light that was coming in through the window to reflect off the small diamond, shooting small burst of rainbows across his face.

His expression was hard to read. The creases in between his eyebrows were present once again, the muscles in his face hard and serious – the complete opposite of how I last saw him. His perfect lips were turned down, his green eyes filled with so much emotion it was hard to focus on just one.

"Hey," I whispered, as I snuggled closer into his side. He jumped slightly, startled by my voice. He turned his attention to me, his green eyes piercing into mine. I smiled up at him, but all I got was a forced one in return.

I sighed, closing my eyes for the briefest of moments, choking down the inevitable feeling of rejection.

When I opened my eyes again, Edward's had shifted away from my face and downward, focusing on my chest. I glanced down, noticing that my tank top had fallen down, exposing a hearty portion of my cleavage.

Just as quickly as I looked down, I focused my attention back on his face. He was still shamelessly staring at my boobs as he bit down on his lower lip; his eyes full of longing and a bit of sadness. I was confused by the emotion I found there.

I cleared my throat, causing him to jerk his eyes back up to my face. Surprisingly, his cheeks flamed red when he knew he was caught staring. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He never cared before when he was shamelessly caught staring at any part of my body. He always took full advantage when parts of me were exposed to him, touching and tasting every bit he could.

I lifted my body up and positioned myself so I could kiss him on the cheek, before trailing my lips along his jaw, nipping and sucking at the skin as I went a long. He hadn't shaved in days, his facial hair long enough now that it was soft against my lips and tickled my cheek.

I pressed my boobs into his chest, being careful as to not touch his sensitive ribs. Placing my lips on his, sighing at the familiar taste and feel of him. It had been so long since we'd had any contact like this. I hadn't realized how much I ached for this connection with him.

Sex had never been a problem for us. We'd always been expressive and free in our sexual relationship. We'd never gone longer than two days without being physical in some nature. At the very least, we always seemed to be touching each other even in the simplest and most innocent ways; holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etcetera. Up until the accident, that is.

My body had been craving his, any contact he could give me.

Tentatively, his lips started to move with mine causing my body to relax and push into him a little bit harder. I opened my mouth to him, practically begging him wordlessly to take me any way that he wanted. I was his. Forever and always, no matter what.

I slipped my tongue in between his lips, tasting him. A moan escaped my lips, his mouth felt so amazing on mine. He groaned back involuntarily before I started to subconsciously trail my fingers up and down his chest, slowly making its way downward. Suddenly he pulled away, jerking his head to the side and effectively separating our kiss.

"Don't. I can't," he whispered gruffly, bringing his hands up to my shoulders and pushing me away.

"But the doctor said-"

"I said, _I can't_ Bella," he growled, his eyebrows pulling together as he glared at me.

I rolled away from him, lying on my back and closing my eyes as the familiar sting of tears settled into the corners of my eyes.

_Don't cry, Bella. Don't cry. This rejection isn't about you._ _Don't be selfish. _

I could repeat this mantra over and over again in my mind and the rejection would still feel the same. Honestly, I wasn't really going to try anything. I knew it was too soon for anything _too_ intimate. I mean, he still had a cast on one of his legs after all. I just wanted to feel his skin. I just wanted him to feel mine. I needed some tangible connection and feeling that he still loved me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not even sure what I was apologizing for.

"What are you apologizing for?" he scoffed, "I'm the one who's defective."

Immediately, I sat up and turned to face him. "You _are not_ defective."

He looked at me, his expression full of disbelief.

"You _aren't_," I insisted, my gaze never wavering from his face.

He blinked a few times before turning his head and staring up at the ceiling. I watched him, as he swallowed thickly and closed his eyes. He shook his head back and forth, and I wanted so badly to know what was going through his mind. I so desperately wanted to know how to get us through this.

"Edward," I whispered softly, getting his attention.

"I love you," I told him as he turned his head to look at me again. I stared straight into his deep green eyes. "You know that right? I love you no matter what."

He nodded and I could see his throat move as he swallowed, choking down all the emotion I could see swimming around in his eyes. "I love you, too." His voice was a low whisper, but I heard what he said and that was enough…for now.

* * *

_**READ ME: **_I'm participating in The Fandom Gives Back auction. I'm offering a oneshot (minimum of 3k words) to the highest bidder. It can be an Angel Eyes outtake, original o/s or a continuance of a o/s I've already written. I'd say it could be a Chasm outtake, but I don't know enough info has been provided for that yet. But, if there is something you want to see just let me know! I'm pretty open for suggestions! I'm cheap and easy! Bidding starts tonight at 11:59p EST and goes until July 2nd.

www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com to see everything that is being auctioned off.

Here is my thread where you can tell me what you'd like to see me write (remove the parenthesis): http(:)/www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=13&t=62

My auction page: http(:)/www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com/item(dot)php?id=587

You can also buy a chance to interview me on SYTYCW! http(:)/www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com/item(dot)php?id=402

Let me know if you have any questions!


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter is short and transitional, but kinda necessary. **

**Thank you to Silver, Laura, Maria, Clare and Caren for their input. **

**Disclaimer: **While I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, I am taking some creative liberties with Edward's paralysis. Please keep this in mind while reading. If SM can write a story about sparkly vamps who impregnate a human with a demon spawn – then I can take creative license with paralysis.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Twilight.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_Dear Agony _

_Just let go of me _

_Suffer slowly _

_Is this the way it's got to be? _

_Don't bury me _

_Faceless enemy _

_I'm so sorry _

_Is this the way it's gotta be? _

_Dear Agony_

- Breaking Benjamin

**EPOV**

Groaning, I adjusted my position on the bed and pulled my body up into the best sitting position possible. I winced and gritted my teeth as a sharp pain shot through my ribs and ricocheted up my back and into my skull.

I stilled for a moment, closing my eyes and took in short sharp shallow breaths until the pain subsided.

I reopened my eyes and spotted my wheelchair next to the bed. Slowly, I lifted up each dead weighted leg with my hands and positioned them so they were hanging over the edge of the bed before gripping the sides of the chair. I lifted my body up and maneuvered so I was sitting, being careful not to jostle my ribs too much, but it was pretty much impossible and the sharp pain shot through my body once again. I growled out in agony, taking more quick shallow breaths.

I needed more pain meds. Now.

Slowly, I began wheeling my way across the room to our bathroom.

I glanced quickly across the counter, avoiding the mirror and looking for my little orange bottle of heaven.

It was no where to be found, only adding to my frustration and annoyance.

_What the hell? It was just here this morning._

"Bella?" I called out, digging through the drawers in the vanity.

"Yeah, babe?" she answered back from down the hallway.

"Where are my meds?"

I heard her footsteps coming down the hallway. She entered the bathroom and walked around me to get to the cabinet above the sink. She reached up on the shelf and pulled out an orange bottle.

"Here," she replied simply, opening up the bottle and pulling out a pill.

"What the hell were they doing up there?" I practically growled out at her. I mean, what the fuck? I obviously couldn't reach them way up there.

I glanced up at her and she was frowning, her brows furrowed together.

Then it dawned on me.

"Are you kidding me, Bella?" I asked incredulously. "You don't trust me? So you're going to put the meds up where I can't get to them? That's just fucking great." I started rolling myself out of the bathroom, going as quickly as I could, when Bella pulled on the handle of my chair, abruptly stopping me.

"Edward, stop. It's not that I don't trust you. I was just doing what Carlisle asked of me. It's better to be safe than sorry, right?" she asked, her eyes downcast toward the ground. I took a deep breath and sighed heavily. Once again she was only trying to do what was best for me because she loved me and I was being a total jackass.

It'd been three long days since I had returned home from the hospital. Interactions between Bella and I remained strained and forced. I hated myself for the way I was treating her, for what my behavior was doing do us. Our house was filled with long silences, cold shoulders and a tension we'd never known before.

It was my fault, I knew it. I was the silent one. Bella tried, God did she try so hard. She was always trying to be so fucking helpful and available so she could help me or get whatever I needed. She was so fucking attentive and had so much patience it was starting to piss me off. I felt like such an asshole for feeling that way, but _I _was the one who was suppose to take care of her, not the other way around.

Part of the problem was that we were constantly cooped up in this fucking house together, the space feeling so fucking small and airtight. We didn't go anywhere, or do anything. I was getting antsy just fucking sitting around all day. I'd called my boss the day after I arrived home from the hospital to touch base and see when I could come back to work. Carlisle had suggested I wait a few weeks until my ribs were healed and the cast was off my leg, but I didn't think I could last that long. I needed to be doing _something_ other than lying around like a piece of useless shit feeling bitter and taking it out on Bella.

Bella was heading back to work next week and I hoped to God it helped us. I think we needed space from each other, or more like she needed the space from _me. _

I did try to not be such a fucking asshole to her, I really did. It just wasn't working as well as I would have hoped. I tried to give her what she wanted, answers to questions, civil conversation and gentle touches, but it was just so fucking hard. I felt so unworthy of her love. I was disgusting, unattractive and useless. I didn't understand how she could even want me to touch her, or why she would even want to touch me.

"Its not because I don't trust you," Bella repeated, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You know I do. You're just already dealing with so much...and I..." she trailed off as the words caught in her throat and I could see her eyes beginning to fill with tears. She shook her head and looked away from me.

The constant look of sadness in her eyes was tearing up my stomach and twisting my heart. _I_ was the reason for those tears, for yet even more of her pain.

I hated myself.

Before I could even apologize for being an asshole, yet again, she rushed out of the room, the bathroom door slamming behind her.

:-:-:

I took in a deep breath and cringed. I fucking reeked. I needed a shower. I hadn't had one since I left the hospital. I'd been avoiding it like the plague.

Just add it to the reasons why I was fucking disgusting.

I cleaned up the best I could with a wash-cloth but it really didn't take much of the stink away.

The idea of attempting to put myself into the bathtub, or worse yet, having Bella's assistance, was enough to give me an anxiety attack. Every time I envisioned asking Bella for help, embarrassment took over and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

How many times seeing me weak would it take her before she finally left me?

My heart thumped in my chest as panic began to settle in. Just the thought of her leaving me was enough to incapacitate me.

No. I would not ask her to help with this. She would _not_ see me looking _that_ pathetic.

I sighed and glanced at myself in the mirror as I picked up a clean wash cloth.

Another thing I'd been avoiding; looking at myself in the mirror.

Slowly I began peeling back the bandages, cringing at the sight revealed to me. Stitches weaved through red and angry skin holding it together. I leaned closer to the mirror, examining the sutures going down the side of my face and could see where the skin had fused together. Carlisle would be coming over within the next day or so to remove them. It was then that I noticed the scrapes that had covered my jaw and nose were already beginning to fade. An odd sense of relief flooded through my veins and I leaned back in my chair.

The bandages probably could have been removed, but once again it was something I was avoiding. To have to look at the scars, yet another horrifying reminder of what I'd become, was just too much. Carlisle said the scars would fade in time, but I couldn't necessarily count on that. I don't know when I suddenly became so vain, but apparently I was.

Just one more reason for Bella to find me unappealing.

An abrupt pounding on the bathroom door interrupted my self-deprecating thoughts.

"What?" I tried not to shout angrily, just in case it was Bella. I'd recently begun trying to control the volume of my voice when I spoke to her. I didn't like how many times I'd raised my voice at her in the last few weeks. It'd simply just been out of my control.

"Open up, douche."

Emmett. Wonderful.

"What the hell are you doing here, Emmett?" I asked as I flung the door open. His face was graced with a huge shit-eating grin. It made me nervous. I eyed him curiously.

"Get your rubber duckie baby bro, its bath time."

"What the motherfuck are you talking about Emmett?" I glared at him as I tried to figure out exactly what he meant.

"I'm here to help with bath time."

I couldn't do anything except look at him like he had two heads.

"Excuse me? No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you are not."

"Yes, I am."

"Emmett. Just shut the fuck up. I don't need your help," I growled out at him, narrowing my eyes.

He arched an eyebrow at me and began dramatically sniffing the air around me. "Oh yeah? Then why do you smell like a trash can?"

I rolled my eyes at his dramatics and didn't bother responding.

"You've put it off long enough. Let's get your ass clean before the paint starts peeling off the walls from the stench."

I continued to glare at him, not making any sort of movement.

He met my glare with his own, challenging me. I wasn't backing down. He wasn't helping me. That shit would just be awkward.

Wordlessly, he turned around and headed out of the bathroom. I let out a sigh of relief, thinking that he was leaving. Unfortunately that feeling of relief was a little premature.

Seconds later, Emmett came back, hauling a huge box in his arms.

"What the hell is that?"

"Your bath chair."

"My what?"

"Your bath chair."

I groaned in frustration. "I know that Emmett. I fucking heard you the first time. What the hell is a 'bath chair'?"

Emmett sighed dramatically and pointed at the box. "That is."

I growled loudly and tugged on the ends of my hair out of frustration.

Emmett chuckled and shook his head. "Lighten up, brother."

I glared at him finding none of this amusing.

"This, dear brother, is your bath chair. I went and picked it up from Demetri this morning. It's going to help you get in and out of the shower yourself. I'm assuming you weren't ever planning on asking Bella for assistance," he raised his eyebrows at me, knowing full well he was correct in that assumption, "so I spoke with Demetri and he suggested this chair. It looks pretty easy to set up and use. This seems like the best alternative for you right now. Unless of course you _like_ smelling and looking like a can of smashed assholes."

I glared at him and shook my head. 'a can of smashed assholes'? I was never really sure where Emmett came up with half the shit that flooded out of his mouth.

Emmett didn't say anything else, instead he decided to turn around and start pulling what looked like a huge chunk of white and blue plastic out of the box.

It was in one piece, just folded inward. I watched as Emmett began unfolding it, popping the back up and snapping all the pieces into place. It looked pretty simple to use, from what I could tell.

Emmett wordlessly handed me the instruction manual as he finished putting the chair together and placed it into the bathtub.

I glanced down at the paper in my hand, skimming and flipping through the pages. It looked pretty self explanatory. There was a remote attached to the chair that controlled the movement; helping it move up and down, making it easy to be lowered down into the tub.

It didn't seem _so_ bad.

"Well, what do you think?" Emmett asked, directing my attention to the chair that was placed in the tub. My only real concern was getting used to climbing onto the chair.

"Um, well, I guess it could work," I replied, shrugging my shoulders rather indifferently.

"Fuck yeah it's gonna work, cause I thought of this shit," Emmett gloated, holding his fist out for me to bump.

I stared at him, shaking my head and bumped my fist against his. He laughed loudly and started walking out of the bathroom, giving me privacy to test out the chair and get clean.

Surprisingly, I found myself fighting back a smile for the first time in a month.

* * *

A/N: Edward's bath chair if anyone is interested: http(:)/www(.)buyastairlift(.)com/sterling/sterling_bathlift(.)htm

As always, reviews are appreciated! =)


	6. Chapter 6

**Big thanks to Caren and Clare for betaing this bad boy. Also to Silver and Maria for their comments and suggestions. Puffy hearts to you.**

**Readers: Thanks for waiting so patiently while I adjust to some changes in RL. **

**Disclaimer**: While I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, I am taking some creative liberties with Edward's paralysis. Please keep this in mind while reading. If SM can write a story about sparkly vamps who impregnate a human with a demon spawn – then I can take creative license with paralysis.

Oh yeah, and I don't own Twilight.

* * *

Chapter 6

_Cause I did enough to show you that I_

_Was willing to give and sacrifice_

_And I was the one who was lifting you up_

_When you thought your life had had enough_

_And when I get close, you turn away_

_There's nothing that I can do or say_

_So now I need you to tell me the truth_

_You know I'd do that for you_

_So why are you running away?_

_Why are you running away?_

- Hoobstank

BPOV

On the way home from my first day back at work, I found my thoughts drifting back to the tangled mess that was mine and Edward's relationship – as it often did these days.

When the time came for me to go back to work, I was beyond thrilled. Principal Cope had called to see how Edward and I were doing, as well as to check to see when I felt I'd be ready to return to school. It almost embarrassed me how quickly I jumped at the chance to go back. Edward and I _needed_ time apart. It had been three weeks since he'd returned home and we'd spent almost every waking moment together. Our only time apart had been when he was at physical therapy or when I went to the grocery store. I'd been thankful for these small breaks, hoping the time apart would eventually help our relationship.

His disgruntled attitude about everything was tearing me up and eating away at me. I was no longer an emotional mess; I simply became resentful of him, which led to me only becoming more upset for that way toward him after everything he'd been through. After everything he was still going through – everything _we _were going through.

I hadn't brought up him seeing a therapist since he'd been home, even though I told Emmett I would. I wanted to give him time to adjust to the changes in his life, and part of me really hoped that I could help him through this own my own. But his depression was only getting worse and I'd slowly started to realize that this was all much bigger than what I could do for him, and that he really needed professional help.

Despite his self-deprecating attitude, I was actually proud of him for not turning to substances like he would have in the past. I would be lying if I said I hadn't been terrified that I would come home from work to find him strung out on something, drunk or who knows what. But I hadn't and I didn't feel like that was going to happen either.

It seemed that huge doses of brooding and hits of self-pity were his drugs of choice these days.

Although he wasn't flat out saying it to me, I knew he felt like he was worthless now that he didn't have full use of his legs. I knew how his mind worked. It shredded my heart to know that he believed he was nothing now. It didn't seem to matter how many times I reassured him that I loved him _no matter what_, he had a thick skull.

Before I knew it, I'd pulled up into our driveway. The drive from Forks Elementary to our home was a short one anyway, but I'd been so lost in my thoughts I hadn't even realized I'd made it home.

I sat for a moment and then after climbing out of my car, I leisurely began pulling all my work stuff out of the backseat and walking toward the front door. I was exhausted. My kids had all been so full of energy, excited to have me back. I just wanted to cook dinner, relax and then go to bed.

"Edward," I called out as I unlocked the front door and sat all of my stuff down in the foyer.

"Hey baby," he yelled, his voice floating out from the kitchen. My eyebrows shot up past my forehead and into my hairline at his chipper tone.

Cautiously, I walked toward the kitchen and peeked my head around the corner to see him _cooking_.

_Edward was cooking?_

_Was this a dream?_

"Hey..." I responded warily, wondering where the hell my grumpy fiancé had gone and who this happy replacement was.

His head turned in my direction at the sound of my voice, and a smile lit up his face. I hadn't quite realized how much I'd missed that shining crooked smile of his until the shock of seeing it, after such a long absence, had worn off.

_Am I in the twilight zone?_

"I made some spaghetti," he stated, turning his attention back to the pot on the stove in front of him, stirring the sauce around with a wooden spoon. "Can you grab some plates for me? I couldn't reach." He gestured toward his wheelchair and shrugged his shoulders in a sheepish, mostly embarrassed gesture.

"Um sure..." I responded, walking across the kitchen. I pulled a couple of plates down from the cabinet and walked over to set them down on the square, wooden table. I turned back to face Edward and watched him wheel himself around our small kitchen.

"Why are you looking at me like I sprouted two heads?" he asked, chuckling.

"Well, not that I'm complaining, but any particular reason for the positive mood shift?"

"I'm going back to work!" Edward shouted, his smile widening, his green eyes alight with excitement. The first true bit of happiness I'd seen on his face since the accident. I didn't know whether I should be excited for him as well, or feel a little agitated because apparently _I_ couldn't make him that happy. I decided instantly that it was a completely selfish thought; I knew exactly how much Edward loved his job.

"That's great!" I told him, leaning down and kissing him gently. He responded immediately, threading his fingers in my hair and sliding his tongue along my bottom lip. We kissed for several seconds before he pulled away and turned back to finish dinner.

I stood there, dazed and confused. Yeah, he definitely hadn't kissed me anywhere close to that either since he'd been home. I needed to call Mike, Edward's boss, and thank him immediately.

"Yeah, I called Mike today to check in, you know, make sure I still had a fucking job, and he asked when I thought I would be ready to go back to work. I told him as soon as possible would be great. Baby, the noodles are done, will you pour them in the colander?" he asked, interrupting the flow of his story, pointing at the pot of boiling noodles before jumping right back into his tale. "So he told me that if I was up for it, I could come in tomorrow and help him with some paperwork for a new development project they're working on. I told him 'Fuck yeah!'" Edward laughed as he pulled the garlic bread out of the oven and set it on top of the stove. "This is just what I need Bella, I can feel it."

I smiled and nodded. I was inclined to agree. I thought Edward going back to work _was_ just what he needed. It would give him something to do, remind him that he was worth something without the full use of his legs, that this paralysis did not define him.

Edward worked for Newton Construction, a family owned company who also happened to be the most successful in all of the surrounding counties. They built everything from commercial buildings to shopping complexes and residential homes. Edward had been the project manager on several of Newton's residential developments from Forks to Port Angeles to Sequim and sometimes even all the way to Seattle or Olympia. He'd always worked hard and went well above and beyond his job description, and I knew it was because he loved it so much. Though, as much as he enjoyed managing projects, he loved getting dirty with his crew and working with the builders even more. He _lived_ for getting dirty, sweaty and creating things with his hands.

_I also lived for him getting sweaty and dirty and doing things with his hands..._

I shook my head, clearing all of those thoughts away quickly. _That_ wasn't going to get me anywhere. Even with his stellar mood, I knew he wasn't going to feel up to anything like _that._

"So do you think you can drop me off at Mike's in the morning? Emmett said he would pick me up in the evening when we were all done for the day. Mike said I could just hitch a ride with him to the site since it's in Sequim," Edward explained, filling his plate with spaghetti.

"Absolutely."

We spent the rest of our evening lounging around, a semblance of how we used to be peeking through the darkness of the last several weeks.

Maybe things really would get better after all.

:-:-:

Just as I felt things were finally getting back to normal, Edward's mood began to shift, and not in the positive way I had seen after he'd found out he could return work. I'd definitely spoke too soon.

Edward's first few days back to work started out just as I'd hoped; he was excited, energized and overflowing with positive thoughts. With each day that passed, his mood slowly started to go downhill. It wasn't significant at first, barely noticeable actually, just some signs of slight agitation. But then he started closing in on himself again, which pissed me off to no end because I felt we had _finally_ began to make some progress.

Each day, Emmett would drop him off at home, and I could sense Edward's irritation in the way his shoulders slouched and his eyes seemed so far away. Before I could even ask him to talk about it, he'd shake his head and retreat into silence; I _loathed_ the silence. I didn't understand why he couldn't just _talk_ to me. Before the accident, we'd always been able to talk to each other and I hated that it had suddenly changed. I hated knowing that one accident had altered his personality so significantly and irrevocably, ultimately creating a huge change in our relationship.

It hurt too much to think about.

I suddenly realized the enthusiasm of Edward going back to work had just been a sense of false hope, that it was just one step forward and now it seemed we were taking several steps backward. It was beyond frustrating.

I'd managed to gather small bits of detail here and there – both from Edward and Emmett. Apparently, the company had changed over to a new computer program and Edward was having a hard time adjusting. This little bit of information baffled me even more because Edward was a very intelligent man and I knew he would be able to figure it out in no time. He had never had trouble learning new things. Obviously, it would be an adjustment, as all new things were, but I had no doubt that he would catch on before too long. He'd only been back to work for four days, and when I'd tried to reason with him, to insist that he couldn't expect to understand everything instantly, he wouldn't hear of it.

Sometimes, I felt like crashing my head into a wall over and over again.

Upon leaving for work this morning, I saw a newfound determination behind Edward's deep green eyes. I wasn't a religious person by any means, but I prayed this new look of intensity meant the day would go at least marginally better than the previous ones for Edward. A war was waging within myself – my mind shooting down my hopeful thoughts, while my heart begged me to hold on.

A car door slamming and loud yelling pulled me from my thoughts. I quickly ran to the front of the house and opened the front door to find Emmett and Edward yelling at each other in the driveway.

Just as I stepped outside and onto the porch, Edward began wheeling his way up the ramp and was into the house before I could get a word out. His head was pointed downward, but I could see the glower of his features a mile away.

I looked at Emmett, my eyebrows raised in question.

"I don't fucking know, Bella," Emmett responded, shaking his head back and forth while scowling. "He was like this when I picked him up. Wouldn't say a word to me. I told him he better get his fucking act together or he was really going to hear it from me. He started yelling all this incoherent stuff, pretty much lost his shit."

"He...he was happier just a few days ago. What happened?" I stammered, at a loss for words. I buried my face in my hands before running my fingers through my hair and groaning.

I squeezed my eyes closed tight and shook my head back and forth.

_I will not cry. I will not cry._

"Bells, it's going to be okay."

"Is it, Em?" I snapped, whipping my head around to glare at him, even though his tone indicated that he was attempting to be comforting. "Because I don't think it is. How can it? It's like he had a lobotomy in that hospital or something. He's not even close to the person he was before the accident."

I was practically shaking; frustration and confusion taking over every pore and muscle in my body. Emmett walked over to me quickly and pulled me into a hug. He didn't say anything for a few moments, just holding me while I calmed myself down.

"You didn't ask him about seeing a therapist yet, did you?" Emmett asked, not accusing, simply curious. I shook my head and pulled myself out of the hug.

"I think it's probably time he and I had a conversation about it though. I know I can't help him out of this by myself." I frowned and stared down at the ground, hating that I wasn't enough for him. I'd never felt this helpless in our relationship before. I'd always known what to do to help him through whatever funk he was in. Deep down, I knew this situation was much more difficult than anything else we'd ever experienced, even more than his drug addiction in college.

"Bella, you know this is so much bigger than you and him. No one doubts your love for him right now, but you can only do so much." Emmett always seemed to know exactly what I needed him to say.

"Thanks, Em," I told him, giving him a small smile. "I should probably go in and face the storm." I cringed, hoping Edward had calmed down some.

"Anytime. If you need anything don't hesitate to give Rose or me a call."

I nodded. "You know I will."

We said our goodbyes and I slowly walked into the house. Closing the door behind me, I locked it quietly and headed toward the kitchen. Edward wasn't in there, so I knew that he must have been in our bedroom.

Taking a deep breath, I walked down the hall and opened the door to find Edward sitting in his chair, facing the large picture window.

"Edward?" I asked hesitantly. He didn't say anything, just continued to look out of the window.

Closing my eyes for a moment, I breathed deeply through my nose before walking across the room and taking a seat on our bed.

"So, um, how was work today?"

Edward grunted in response and I rolled my eyes. At least he acknowledged that I was in the room. I bit at my finger nails nervously, not really sure what to say.

"Did something happen?"

He grunted again.

I rolled my eyes up toward the ceiling. _Lord help me._

"You seem...upset," I said quietly as I studied his profile. His features hard set and his eyes staring straight ahead. "Will you _please_ talk to me?" I hated the pleading tone in my voice, but I was getting desperate.

Silence.

All the confusion and frustration over Edward's erratic behavior and unpredictable moods from the last several days, and really since he'd returned home after the accident, had finally reached its crescendo and I felt myself snap, suddenly losing control. I didn't understand him and he wasn't helping me by ignoring all of my attempts to support him. Again and again he shot me down. I wasn't just hurt anymore, I was pissed.

"God damn it Edward! Will you fucking talk to me?" I yelled, standing up and taking two giant steps across the room so I was standing next to him. "You have to talk to me!"

My breathing was heavy and I felt like I might pass out as my heart pounded against my chest. Anger and hurt surged through my veins.

"I don't feel like talking," he replied, his voice surprisingly calm.

"Well I do!" I snapped. "I can't keep fucking doing this. I can't live like this. Your moods are out of control."

"You would be pissy too if you found out you'd never be able to fucking walk again," he countered, his eyes finally moving to meet mine.

I rolled my eyes. "Spare me the melodramatics, Edward. You don't know for sure that you'll never be able to walk again. You heard the doctors—"

"Doctors don't know shit," he mumbled under his breath.

"Oh and you do?" I asked, arching my eyebrow at him and crossing my arms over my chest. "Did you get a medical degree I don't know about?"

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. He didn't say anything though, instead he ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on the ends—his signature move of frustration.

"I think you need to speak with someone. A professional," I stated, my voice firm and strong. Much stronger than I felt on the inside; this conversation actually terrified me.

"What, like a fucking shrink?" he asked incredulously, cutting his eyes over to me before returning to his visual analysis of our front lawn through the window.

"Yes, a professional. You aren't handling this well."

"I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm doing just fine," he replied, sounding somewhat like a petulant preschooler.

Before I even realized what I was doing, I walked over to the closet and pulled out an overnight bag.

"You know what? Fine. You don't need to talk to a professional, you don't need to talk to me..." I hastily started throwing whatever I could reach into the bag in my hand. "Then I guess I don't need to fucking be here. Because apparently, you don't need anyone."

He spun his chair around so he was now watching me as I tore apart our closet. I slung my bag over my shoulder and glared at him. "I'm going to Rose and Emmett's." _Just for tonight. Maybe two, just to clear my head._

Space was what we needed before I said something I truly regretted. I was already losing all sense of control over my thoughts, emotions and words, I couldn't let myself go any further.

He didn't say anything; instead he just stared at me. His facial expression was blank and unreadable. My heart plummeted into my stomach and I could feel my face fall with it. He didn't even care. The moment the words fell out of my mouth, I felt that perhaps I was overreacting, but I just _couldn't_ handle this constant negativity and his refusal to even try to get better. He wasn't my Edward anymore.

Again, my mind warred with my heart. The logical side knew, that we couldn't continue on this same path, our relationship wouldn't make it. My mind knew that we needed space, that perhaps something as drastic as my leaving was just the required action for Edward to realize the full effects his behavior had. But my heart – my heart was aching. It wanted Edward to stop me, to tell me not to go, that he didn't mean it, that he needed me.

After the longest few silent seconds of my life, I turned on my heel and walked out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

**

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**They are not breaking up. Bella needs space (can you blame her?). Thought I should reiterate that so no one freaks out on me. =) **

**Thanks for reading! **


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